My Thoughts, Exactly

I’m starting to worry about what I ever did for you. All this time, I’ve been focusing on what you’ve done for me, and how amazing it was… and it was, amazing.

But that got me thinking. What did I actually ever do for you?

You picked me up and put my pieces back together when I was all broken.

You were there for me when I needed you.

You waited 3 months while I was travelling, and phoned me almost every day. You’d spend ages trying to get through on the shitty number, and stay up ‘til ridiculous hours of the morning trying to talk to me. 

You spent the whole day with my parents while you were waiting for my plane to get in.

You brought me lunch at work, all the time.

You were always there after work, for me to whine and cry to, about my shitty job.

You made me feel less angry.

You gave me all your love.

You invested so much of your time.

Even at uni, you’d literally go the extra mile to come and spend time with me.

You were always there, all of the time. I could rely on you. You were the most reliable thing I’ve ever had in my life.  

And what did I ever do for you? I can barely think of one thing. All I did was take. And expect more. And moan about the stuff you didn’t do. 

And then when the one thing you ask me to do is wait for you while you get some space, I can only think about myself, and I go and throw it all away by hurting you.

There is literally no wonder why you don’t want me back right now. I don’t deserve you back.

But if I got the chance, I wouldn’t expect a thing. 

I know that if I ever found anyone else, I would compare them to you.

And that would be so disappointing, because no one could come close.

It’s not over. It can’t be. Not in a kind of it-can’t-be-over-this-is-not-happening-wahaa kind of way. We still connect. We’re still happy, when we’re together. We still laugh. We still love. We’re still us. It still feels good, when it’s good.

We’ve gone through a hard time, and taken it out on each other. We are hurt. So maybe it needs some time. And some breathing space. Time to get our breath back, and to remember why it took our breath away in the first place. And for the wounds to heal, and to stop re-opening them. 

But we are not over.